Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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