if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
