I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
