My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
