guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
one might say we're banned from that church
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
