Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
