Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
