the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
