every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
