Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
