mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
