Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
