I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
