remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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