I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
