Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
