I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
