something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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