I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
