i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
