maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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