big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
