sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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