They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
