and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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