My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
