i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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