Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
