i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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