I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
