hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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