nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
