does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
