I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
