i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wish my penis had a tongue
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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