Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
either way he was missing a nipple.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
