doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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