Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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