My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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