remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I love you. Go after that dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
