your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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