i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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