apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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