At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
