Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
