I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
