My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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