chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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