Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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