I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
