I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
